I'm 25 and up until February this year I seemed successful. Well paid job. Just bought a house. Regular holidays. None of this was worth it. For two years and four months I was bullied by my manager.
When I graduated from University I was one of the lucky ones. I never had to scramble around on SEEK trying to find a job amongst the other 40,000 or so graduates in the state. I gained full-time employment in my last 6 months of University, granted not in that Marketing role that I wanted but I discovered I was working in the industry I needed to be in. Tertiary Education is something that I hold in great esteem. I grew up in a small country town where trades were favoured over degrees and those that did go on to University came straight back and assumed their parents roles (Namely in Education and Health sectors). My grade 8 English teacher once told me "You'll never attend University or amount to anything". Five years later I packed my bags and set out to prove him wrong. And I did, and I haven't looked back.
Four months after graduating I landed what I thought was a fantastic job. I was travelling the countryside and speaking with students about a University education. It didn't dawn on me until six months in that the way my manager treated my colleague and I was not normal. I just thought "This is how it's done in the government sector". I was scared and I didn't want him to think that I was weak. I'd landed a well paid job and to outsiders could be deemed "successful". I didn't want to ruin this amazing opportunity. Then things at work started getting weird. He started telling me my work was "fantastic" and my colleague "just didn't get it". Little to my knowledge she was also being told the same thing. It didn't dawn on me until one night at an important corporate event that I had planned. I thought I had everything covered, he told me I had everything covered. Then something was missed. The electricians didn't arrive! Electricians ? "I didn't know we needed any electricians!" And from there things went downhill. The more he pushed me, the more flustered I became and more and more things went wrong. Then he said it. "We are now having a competition". "Whoever wins gets to keep their job and at the moment, Mary, you are losing". A volunteer student overheard and the look on her face was one of pure horror. That's when I realised. This isn't normal. For whatever reason I stayed in this miserable department for two more years. I went home and told myself that things would get better. But they never did. The insults kept coming, information was omitted from important briefs and I was left out of team activities. Anything deemed urgent was delayed in returning feedback to me and then I was expected to turn around projects with 30 minutes to spare. I was regularly told I was stupid and didn't understand anything. The one occasion my colleagues and I tried to speak with the director about it, she said she would have a chat to him. I found out later she had told somebody we were just whinging.
I persisted, thinking that things would get better. I got promoted and I thought "Well I must be doing something right". But it didn't stop. I took stress leave, couldn't find a job and went back to work. Things got better for awhile but then they kept me on short term contracts. Two weeks here and two weeks there. I then found out that they were sourcing for other applicants for my role. How? Why? If I'm not doing my job properly why are they doing this? I even asked for feedback and was told I was performing well. Well then why! One day something snapped. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't wake up and go in and pretend like this environment wasn't hurting me. It was. It was toxic. I felt like a flower that was slowly wilting over time. I had no confidence left, no energy to carry on.
Quitting was one of the hardest things I've done. Leaving financial security (which in hindsight wasn't that secure anyway) and just taking a leap. It's been eleven weeks since I left and my confidence still hasn't come back. Some days it's there for a couple of hours, but most of the time it's just a piece of charcoal smoldering away, trying to get out. Today I went back to that place and walked into the office where I used to work. I felt sick and I just wanted to run but I couldn't. I was there for an interview for another department. Why?! Why am I back here?!
There was a pre-interview test. I failed. I know I did. I walked into the interview room and everyone was lovely. They were smiling and made me feel comfortable. They didn't ask why I left, I suppose they didn't need to. His reputation is well known. They were lovely and they called me back two hours later offering me the job. I don't know if I can take it though. I don't know if I can ever go back there. There's a fantastic opportunity at another company that I'm interviewing for on Monday and I want to work there. I told her the truth. I told her what I was feeling and that this job, that I so desperately needed was not on top of my list. She did me a wonderful favour today. She thanked me for my time, wished me luck for my interview and said she would hold off until next week when I heard back. If I don't get this job on Monday, the job there would still be waiting for me. I wouldn't have to commute as far as was advertised and a job was guaranteed for me after the contract end date.
I am so thankful. Thankful that she showed me that this company does not revolve around one department. Thankful that she showed me that there are good mangers out there who care about their employees. I am thankful because at least now I will know how to be a good manger also. One day I hope I see that douchbag in an interview and I hope I'm on his panel. Then he will know what it's like to sweat.
M.
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